The Evil Eye

With so much hubbub about the bow ("Who does that?!"), I didn't even get to talk about the hilarious falling-out between Tamra "Close Eyes" Barney and Vicki "Angry Terrier" Gunvalson.  There is tons and tons of speculation in every corner of the Internet about what level of interference Andy Cohen and his team of BRAVO producers have in the daily happenings of these women's lives - few people, if any, think that any of the relationships on the show are as organic as they are portrayed.  Prevailing wisdom says that any number of RH's may have started their respective shows as friends, but their hunger for fame (or fondant) and their general delusion have contributed to their interactions becoming as fakey as their introductions (you know, the ones with oddly emphasized words: "My tank is full and I'm driving into my future").  You guys are certainly welcome to delve into these issues in the comments, but I'm going to stick with the women and their interactions as they are presented to me on my TV screen, because I've already typed myself into cramps with one recap of a half an episode - I don't need more crap to talk about.  


As you're probably aware if you're reading this (because I certainly can't imagine this being interesting to any "civilians" who don't watch the RH franchise), Vicki's been "dating" a grifter named Brooks this season, and everyone in the whole wide world can see that he's a shady operator except for Vicki.  That's how these things play out though, on TV, in real life, and in R&B songs (specifically Akon's "Don't Matter"):  A no-good fella picks you up and your friends see what's about to go down, but you interpret their concern as jealousy/nosiness/hateration (pick one) because you, my friend, are dickmatized.  Vicki doesn't like to talk about her "pink parts" (the phrase "pink parts" makes me visibly shudder - if she just said "vagina" or "nips" I wouldn't think a thing of it), though, so she would never cop to being dickmatized.  But we all know what "My love tank is full" means (it means "I'm dickmatized").  One way you can tell if this is happening to you, friends, is if you find yourself barking at people all the time.  "THIS IS THE HAPPIEST I'VE EVER BEEN!"  "I'M HAPPY!"  "HAPPY!"  Happy is like cool; if you have to announce it, you're not.


Also: Vicki bought Brooks new teeth.  This is apropos of nothing in this post, I just need to announce it because it's one of those reality moments that brings me inner peace.  Let's just chant that as our mantra for a moment, shall we?  Vicki bought Brooks new teeth.  


Back to the action at hand.  After Big Jim shows up to the party only to flounce off because Tamra is hateful (I need a macro for that phrase) and Alexis chases him, her boobs unnervingly unmoving, Vicki proposes a toast (or a "cheers" as these people call it.  When did grown adults start saying "Lets cheers!"?) to Alexis.  Tamra makes a face, or rolls her eyes, or narrows them, or whatever.  I mean, before I got past Brooks starting shit with her, I rewound like five times because I had no idea what was going on.  It seems that, out of nowhere, Brooks says "You wanna go there?"  It truly appears that he is just getting it going about literally nothing.  But it turns out that he's coming to Vicki's defense because...


Because Tamra gave Vicki "the evil eye."  At which Vicki completely loses her shit in a most spectacular manner.  One time, I babysat a big black dog for a day while his apartment was being fumigated (the dog did not live alone in an apartment, as adorable as that cartoon would be).  My dog, a little terrier mix, appeared completely uninterested until occasionally, out of nowhere, she would lunge at him, teeth bared, doing that high-pitched, shrill terrier bark that's really more a scream.  And when Vicki starts shrieking at Tamra here, she bears more than a passing resemblance to my dog in those insane moments.  


Yes, it was rude of Tamra to perform what becomes known as "evil eye."  But she hates Alexis, and really, if you can't be rude with your bestie, what's even the point of having that person in your life?  One time I farted so hard in a car with my best friend that he said it felt like it slapped him in the face.  It was rude, I shouldn't have done it, but he sure as hell didn't start sobbing and barking and talking about how we were supposed to be soul sisters.  He unleashed a string of expletives upon me, as you do with your best friend.  And an "evil eye"?  Girl, please.  That's not even worth a mention between real best friends.  And if your boyfriend calls your BFF out on it?  The proper response is, "You haven't been around long, you don't know how we are with each other.  You'll figure it out."  Not wailing and gnashing of teeth and rending of garments and declarations of the end of the friendship, especially not if you're an adult well past the age of majority.


I'm not even naive enough to accuse these women of being dramatic.  Of course they are, or they wouldn't have signed contracts with BRAVO.  I'm dramatic, too.  I once chased said BFF out of my house with a snowball in my hand; he once lay down behind my back tires on a parking lot to keep me from leaving; we hung up on each other countless times; the evil eye was practically shorthand.  But we loved each other fiercely, and never gave a thought to ending our friendship over any of that stuff.


In Vicki's wrap-up graphic, it says she broke up with Brooks, and that they got back together again.  In my opinion, Brooks needs to take his teeth (you guys, she bought him new teeth!), say "Thank you," and get gone back to the hillbilly road market he crawled out from behind.  Because if he can't stand Tamra's evil eye, what's he gonna do when he notices how close together her eyes are?  It's not gonna be pretty.