America! Patriots! Lady Gaga! 'Bristol Palin: Life's a Tripp'

Tonight, for reasons that I cannot even explain, I found myself watching best-selling author and star dancer Bristol Palin's new "docu-drama" Bristol Palin: Life's a Tripp (Get it? Because her name is Bristol Palin and she can't spell?). Ooof, I don't even know where to start with this one. After a generic Lilith Fair-ian theme song about setting a new direction and life not getting you down (think the theme to Alice, as performed by Heather Nova's less talented younger sister), Bristol waxes poetically about life in Alaska. Did you know that in Alaska, they don't even have television shows? It's true! Everyone just sits around in their igloos, huddled together for warmth, and stares at static-filled television sets. Good thing they have that amazing view of Russia.


With nothing to watch on TV, Bristol and Willow occupy their time with discussing Mama Grizzly herself, the OG Sarah P. You guys, we were totally wrong about Sarah. According to Willow and Bristol, she's every woman; it's all in her. Every thing that Bristol knows about being a mother, she learned from Sarah, which...yeah. She is an America-lovin', all-knowin', and-get this-articulate superwoman. She's so amazing that she can even "write an op-ed piece while she cleans the house." Maybe she should have included that skill in her campaign literature to wrap up the opinionated housekeeper vote. Hindsight and all of that.


SuperSarah has a big fancy speech to give in D.C., where Bristol is conveniently holding a book signing for her National Book Award-winner "Not Afraid of Life." The girls are concerned about the "Occupy" protests going on outside of their hotel, but Bristol has a plan; she's gonna "whoop their asses." Willow wants to cut them all with her pocketknife, but then decides that karma will get them. Bristol, however is unstoppable, because "when I see protesters, it makes me sick. Why aren't you at work? Why aren't you out doing something?" Good point, Bristol. Maybe they could  "write" a memoir about their teenage pregnancy, dance for a mirror ball trophy, or star on a reality show that nobody watches but me.


Bristol fears for her life in the big city, because she and her mother receive "thousands and thousands of death threats" every year. A woman introduced only as "Nancy" (who turns out to be the author of Bristol's "autobiography") comes into the girls' hotel room wearing a button down and a string of pearls (because of course she is) and tells the Palin girls that she will protect them from the big, bad protesters. How she is going to do that is anyone's guess. Maybe she is SuperSarah's secret sidekick?


Bristol and Nancy head off to their book signing and man, oh man, is it bad. Guys, I worked in a bookstore for over a decade, and I know a bad signing when I see one. I've seen local authors on their first book pull a bigger crowd than Bristol did. It was "make your employees pretend to be customers" bad. Seriously, just awful. Just to emphasize the point, the final shot of the signing scene is that of a giant stack of unsold books. Did I mention it was bad?


Leaving the signing, Bristol and Nancy are spontaneously, coincidentally, not at all planned-by-producers-ly approached by a Sarah Palin impersonator. She starts "ya know"-ing and "hey ya"-ing in a three pack-a-day rasp when she is spontaneously, coincidentally, not at all planned-by-producers-ly interrupted by a random passerby who starts ranting to her about health care mandates, and the poor state of the nation, and how he voted for "her' and not McCain. Guys, what are the chances? A serendipitous moment, indeed. 


Off to Sarah's speech they go, allowing Bristol to again remind us of her mother's many virtues in voice-over, as she watches rapturously from the crowd. She's funny, she's a true patriot, she wants to set America back on the right course, and best of all, "she's a rock star, like Lady Gaga." You guys, this is one of those moments when I really wish I had Photoshop, because Sarah Palin in a meat dress. A meat dress she shot herself, of course.


The girls return to the hotel, because they have a little surprise up their sleeves. Seems it is Mama Grizzly's birthday, and they are throwing her a party. They toss up some banners, bake her a cake in their easy-bake oven, and wait with bated breath. Sarah, completely not anticipating this extraordinary display of love, enters the hotel room AND YELLS SURPRISE TO HERSELF!! You read that right. She follows that up with this line from a Smiths song: "All my friends! My two friends." Poor, sad Mama Grizzly. 


After under-cooked flour patties (Seriously, has an easy-bake oven ever cooked anything?), the  Mama and her cubs decide to have some "girl talk," which doubles, of course, as a commercial for the Teabag Movement. Willow announces that she never wants to live on the East Coast. When questioned why, she responds, in the most petulant teenager voice possible, "Duh! Liberals!" Bristol totally understands this position and adds, incoherently, "I feel like if you're not going to Harvard, if you're not going to doctorate school or whatever..." Sarah, ever the uniter, tries to personalize Harvard for the girls by stating, "So, if Willow gets accepted to hair school there..." Harvard, the top-ranked hair school in the nation, according to people with no television shows. Sarah wraps up girl time by asking the girls if they have any advice for her on Syria, to which Willow responds "I don't even know where Syria is." Well, of course not, Willow, because you cannot see it from your house.


And, this my friends, is how we leave the Palin women, clueless and friendless in a heartless television-filled city, surrounded by people that want to kill them or impersonate them, but not buy their books. Bristol, what have you learned from this harrowing adventure? "My mom is so wise, and I only hope that I can pass down to Tripp the same wisdom that she's given to me." As do we, Bristol, as do we.