So You Think You Can Duh!

America's favorite dancetravaganza kicked into full gear tonight as the "jidges" unveiled the 20 hot-steppers that would be competing for our votes and the title of "America's Favorite Dancer." The resplendent Cat Deeley ascended from the Heavens onto the stage to inform us that not only would we discover the dancetestants' fates tonight, but they would be performing their little hearts out for the very first time. But first, let's meet tonight's judges: head judge and skeevy uncle Nigel Lithgoe, drunk cougar and train conductor, Mary Murphy, and living room dancer and tomato soup aficionado Zooey Deschanel. You guys, if there is one person who knows dance, it is Zooey "Shake, Rattle and Roll" Deschanel. This should be good.


Uncle Nigel takes a quick break from looking down Zooey's beautiful (get used to it now; you'll be hearing it a lot) '50s retro dress to explain a surprise twist; since So You Think You Can Dance is only airing one night a week instead of the usual two, the producers have decided to have two winners: one boy, one girl. Double your pleasure, double your fun. Wouldn't the logical twist be that we have half a winner? Like David Blaine shows up and makes the victor's bottom-half mysteriously disappear? "Congratulations! You're America's Favorite Dancer! Too bad you'll never dance again!" But I digress.


First down the Tunnel of Doom is contemporary dancer Alexa Anderson, she of the stunning technique and face of stone. Throughout "Vegas Week," the judges consistently criticized Alexa for her lack of emotion, the same lack of emotion that caused her to narrowly lose out to Ryan Ramirez (what is it with dancers and alliterative names, anyway?) for the final spot in the Top 20. In her final solo, Alexa set out to prove that she was not undemonstrative femme-bot, and raised an eyebrow. Good enough, Top 20 for you!


The AlexaBot 3000 was followed closely by contemporary dancers George Lawrence, Jr., Will Thomas and Amber 'I'm never trying out again (although I try out every year)" Jackson. Guess what, Amber? You're never trying out again! Dreams really do come true! Just not for Colin Fuller or Megan Branch, who are both sent home. Hey guys, there's always next year; just ask Amber.


The four are grouped for a...drum-roll...contemporary piece. There is something about a bench, and lots of lifts and some thrusting and Alexa moved both eyebrows. It was very emotional. Judges?


Nigel blathered on about "strong start, good lines, hot girls," typical creepy uncle stuff. Mary asked for a refill on her Bloody Mary. Alvin Ailey alumni Zooey Deschanel said it best when she said, "You were, uh, great. Yeah. That was great. Really beautiful." Oh Zooey, what a wordsmith you are.


Next up we have the ballroom dancers. Nick Bloxsom-Carter is obviously in, because he is the only male ballroom dancer, but he still breaks into ugly tears the likes of which we have not seen since Miss Tammy Faye Bakker-Messner left this world a less glamorous place. Nick Possum-Dixon is followed by Whitney Carson and Lindsay Arnold, who inform us (again) that they have been "friend-petitors" since the age of 9. So that's like, what, 3 years? Anyway, they're both in. I am not even going to pretend to try to tell them apart, spray-tanned Stepford blonds that they are, so they shall be known as Thing 1 and Thing 2 from here on out.


Nick Mason-Dixon, Thing 1 and Thing 2 are grouped together for a ballroom number to J. Lo's "Dance Again."Thing 1 and Thing 2 are wearing orange and lie on the floor a lot, while Nick Flotsam-Jetsam does that hip swivel thing that male ballroom dancers always do. Mary proclaims them to be "pulling in to Sizzle Station." Zooey thinks it was "beautiful." I warned you!


Next up: the ballet dancers. Eliana Girard, who I keep calling Illeana Douglas in my head, is donning some blue suede shoes, prompting Debbie Allen to inform her that "those shoes are made for walkin' into our Top 20." (So what if she mixes her musical metaphors? She's Lydia Freakin' Grant, damnit!) Daniel Baker and Chehon Wespi-Tschopp (try saying that one time fast) walk the Tunnel of Doom. Daniel is praised for his consistency in Vegas, but his final solo was "disappointing". Chehon struggled throughout, but his his solo was "brilliance." Who will it be? We all know; they're both in.


The three dancers take the stage in a piece that can only be called "Barbarella: the Ballet." Both men are dressed in silver metallic pants, while Illeana Douglas is wearing a silver bustier and tutu made of metal. There is some lifting and jumping and toe pointing, and it is all quite technically stunning, but I am honestly too distracted by Chehon's abs to follow along. Mary calls Illeana a "ballet warrior" and gives the boys her scream of approval. Rhodes scholar Zooey Deschanel says it all when she says "That dress looks sharp." Yes, Zooey. Yes, it does.


Tiffany "Who?" Mayer and Audrey "Neck Fart" Case are up next. Debbie informs Tiffany that she was completely invisible in Vegas Week; "You're in!" I think we have just found our first piece of cannon fodder here. Audrey Case is also in, because, come on, she can make her neck fart! They are soon joined by belly dancer Janelle Issis, who is so excited to make it into the Top 20 that she promptly turns and walks into a door frame. Graceful, this one.


The three are scheduled to perform a jazz routine together, but Cat informs that Janelle has taken ill (a fact that seems to surprise Janelle, sitting in the audience), so Audrey and Tiffany must go it alone. They are dressed in matching blue sports bras, and tumble around a lot, which reminds me, Olympics in less than a month, y'all! Mmmmm, Ryan Lochte. Anyway, tumble, tumble, leg point, and they're through. Cat Deeley saves the day by referring to herself as "the BFG" while standing next to the tiny dancers. Roald Dahl shout-out FTW! Nigel tells them that they have "great, strong bodies" and that they look like "dancing Pebbles (Flinstone)." I think someone has been hitting Mary's martini. Zooey, now wearing Illeana Douglas' tutu on her head, because she's just so quirky, quips, "You're amazing. I love seeing ladies supporting one another. Tiffany, you're so powerful. Audrey, so graceful. You really embody each other." You're so right, Zooey, whatever that means.


Next into the Top 20 is some contemporary dancer named Matthew Kazmierczak, who we have never seen before, but who bears a passing resemblance to Ryan Gosling. I wonder if he 'Hey Girl"-ed the "New Girl"? We may never know. He is joined by fellow contemporary Dareian Kujawa, who the judges let slide through despite his "terrible feet."


Now is where the real drama kicks in. There are three girls left, but only two spots. Who will it be? Contemporary dancer Janaya French; walking silent picture Amelia "Amelie" Lowe; or Jill Johnson, who we have not seen since the audition rounds? I think you know the answer.


Amelia and Janaya join Matthew and Darien in another contemporary piece, but this time, there are no benches. Amelia is wearing a flapper dress, because of course she is. Zooey?


"That was really beautiful. It felt like watching a painting move." Or, you know, watching people move on a stage?


Mary babbles something about midgets and radars. Someone bring her a shot.


With the women finished out, we turn our attention to the men. There are 7 men left, but only 3 spots open. Cole Horibe, who gives new meaning to the term ":mixed martial-arts", is in, as is stepper Brandon Mitchell. With one spot left, only two men remain: hip-hop dancer Feliciano Turk and Cyrus "Glitch" Spencer, who does things with his body no man should ever be allowed to do. Glitch is in.


Cole, Brandon and Glitch are grouped together in a baseball-themed piece that highlights each of their unique styles while managing to look coherent. The piece is marred only by the fact that it is used to plug the All-Star Game, coming July 10th on Fox! Mary: "You really hit that out of the ballpark!" Zooey: "That was astounding! Each dance was my favorite!" Nigel: "Watch the All-Star Game, coming July 10th on Fox!"


Now that we have our Top 20 in place, it is time to bring for the sparkle motion to really begin. The Top 10 girls (minus poor sickly matchstick girl Janelle) are grouped into a Travis Wall-choreographed piece about the afterlife. The piece is typical Travis Wall, which is to say that it is stunning, intricate and thought-provoking. Cat sums it up when she simply says, "Ethereal." Uncle Nigel says it reminded him of a Greek vase come to life, like the muses, which, yes, that is exactly what it is like. Zooey gets the last word, and man, is it a good one. "That was a beautiful routine for beautiful girls.You're all just beautiful. So, yeah. And yeah." M. Ward does write all their lyrics, doesn't he?


Our Top 10 boys follow the girls with a Sonya Tayeh number that can only be described as "fierce." In rehearsals, Sonya reveled in choreographing the boys, comparing them to a "pack of wolves." She immediately ordered them to take their shirts off, an order no one but poor Will Thomas, who has a case of the man-boobs, seemed to mind. Brandon Mitchell, however, did have a problem with all of the man-on-man partnering, because he is "all about the ladies." Oh Brandon, as Shakespeare once said, "Whoever smelled it, dealt it." Or something like that.


Anyway, the piece involves lots of lifting, including a pretty stupendous one involving all of the men lifting and tossing Darien across the length of the stage. The judges love the piece as much as I do. Mary calls it unbelievable, but she could be talking about the pina colada in her hand. Prima ballerina Zooey Deschanel unleashes her most erudite observation of the night when she says, "that lift thing is hard, right?"


The night closes with a Mia Michael routine to Kaskade's "Eyes", danced by the Top 20. Michaels, looking like what we would get if Carrie Fisher swallowed Lisa Rinna, looks just thrilled to be back. The number is very Mia Michaels, involving intricate kick lines and prop play. Not her "Bench Dance," but an enjoyable piece. "Welcome home, Mama. You've been missed," exclaims Nigel. As long as Travis still gets to choreograph his little heart out, I agree. 


So that's it, America, our Top 20 dancers, a diverse and motley crew of ne'er-do-wells and hooligans if ever there was one. What do you think? Will Glitch be able to keep up with the trained dancers? Will poor Will Thomas ever go shirtless again? Will I ever be able to tell Thing 1 and Thing 2 apart? I would tell you to tune in next week to see, but our dancetestants are taking the week off. SYTYCD's loss is America's gain because, in its place, we get two full hours of astrophysicist Zooey Deschanel's New Girl! Honestly you guys, can you think of anything more beautiful?